Leave Room

“leave room for mistakes, opportunities and detours.”

Wow. It has absolutely been a super long time since I've given attention to this blog. Truth is I was detoured... My faith was tested, my mental health was tested and my relationship with God was put on the back burner to stress and anxiety. I've had a lot of emotions surface and resurface within the past few months. It's been a crazy rollercoaster and I've been dreading this first return post (I'll explain why) but it's time...

The purpose of this blog was to document my journey to Christianity on my own terms. I wanted to be transparent and allow God to flow through me for the sake of bringing people to Christ through my own experiences. When I became a stay at home Mom, I asked God to show me myself during this time. I also asked Him to rock my world and show me who He is. Welp, He did His part and my world was surely rocked, rolled and baked. I learned how important mental health was and what it truly means to go crazy mentally, I learned that I am actually a really dark-minded person (I can be), I realized that the blame that I was putting on others for changing started with me. What do I mean? Well, I changed. I was a super peppy, happy person and I changed into being this very reserved, no fun, person. Not on purpose but life really destroyed my mood. It's been a struggle bus battle trying to get back to that happy person 24/7 but I think there are glimpses of sunlight ahead.

Anyway, this post was so hard to make because I told myself that when I started Rerouting... back up, I would renew my relationship with God. That means I'd need to get back into church and into my word. Yes... I haven't been to church in months and I haven't read my Bible in even more months. I truthfully disconnected because I just felt ashamed. I was embarrassed that I even got to this stage in my life. And I know God is not like man and blah blah but I am a human with authentic human emotions. It's easy to think of God as man because I can see man and interact with man rather than someone, some being I can't see. So I started treating God like man and my shame grew, my distance grew and I found myself having a conversation with the enemy and telling him to 'go ahead and do what you have to do with what's left of my life'... Yes... it got that dark for me. I actually told the enemy to have his way with my life. The life God continued to bless me with day after day knowing good and darn well I didn't appreciate it, treasure it or care if I was granted another day to breathe. I found myself just crying almost everyday and not really eating (I still rarely eat). Depression took over me and my husband finally put his foot down and got me to a therapist. It's been a journey and it still is but that dark cloud is slowly making it's way away.

This blog entry is a vulnerable and honest post about my struggles and a little piece of wisdom that the Holy Spirit gave me while in my trench. Here is the Word I received:

"Leave room for God to have His way. You may want to go one route and He may have a prosperous, alternative route for you. Make that 5 year plan but leave room for life to happen, God to have His way and the universe to align with your purpose."

Well... that's a word...During this time, I had been also praying with my friend who is experiencing life. Most my circle and my peers in general are all experiencing some heavy spiritual warfare. It caused me to reevaluate my life and really see the good that God has blessed me with. I just wanted you all to know that being a Christian isn't a cake walk. You will get challenged, tested, and covered by angels all at the same time. Nothing amazing is easy! I am learning that each day. I am learning to trust God even when what I see looks a hot mess. Why? Because even during my darkest moments, God has showed up for me. He has allowed me to be strong for my friends in their mess while I was going through my own mess. He removed people and energies from my life that didn't mean me any good. He covered my kids and my husband, hell even me when I 'made a deal with the enemy'. God never gave up on me even when I distanced myself from Him. Call it favor, call it grace, I call it blessed! If there was a way I could show you all the battlefield that happens in my mind 24/7 you'd be mostly scared but shocked that I live through this level of torment daily. It's become second nature to battle dark thoughts but this time around, I pray when things get super dark. I pray when I can't handle it all. I let my husband know when something is off for me and he prays or comforts me. No, I don't run to my friends to yap about my issues (I've always been this way) but I do let them know when I'm not feeling ok mentally.
It's ok to not feel ok but it's not ok to stay that way. Seek help, pray and surround yourself with people that will pray you out of that darkness even when you aren't strong enough to do it yourself! During this journey, I realized how solid my Facebook tribe is. I mean I solicited for prayer because I couldn't do it myself and I received so much love, prayers, messages and texts for support. It meant a lot to have people in my corner to advocate to God for me when I couldn't. Granted, I hate when people are concerned about me but I had to seek help quickly so I made a vulnerable post for prayer. It's also ok to ask for help... I'm learning this daily also. No, I don't ask for help often but when I do it's all God pushing me past my own doubts and voices.
You aren't done yet. Your purpose is JUST beginning. Hold on, pace yourself and keep God in your corner always.

you are going to overcome this. this is not your destination. trust god.

I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form BUT the one thing I am good for is being there for others. If you need prayer, a listening ear or advice I am here. Reach out to me! I'd love to walk with you through your journey. 

xo, Brit.