Forgiveness

PINKY PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON’T BE MAD AT ME FOR THIS POST*

This post may hurt… may even sting. I know it is definitely a tender point for me. The concept of forgiveness is probably the most controversial topic in the world. So let’s just dive in shall we?

for·give·ness

/ˌfərˈɡivnəs/

noun

1. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

The ACTION.

ac·tion

/ˈakSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

The PROCESS.

Forgiveness is an action and a process. Well stick a fork in me because I’m done! That’s an entire message right there. FORGIVENESS is an ACTION. FORGIVENESS is a PROCESS. What does this mean Brit? That means that in order to forgive someone you actually have to put in the work to forgive. No where in that definition did it say that you had to include the other person. Wait, Britnee what are you saying? I’m saying that sometimes we overcomplicate forgiveness. Someone once told me that you can forgive someone without telling them that you forgive them because forgiveness starts with YOU— the process begins with you. In order to heal from the hurt that someone else caused, you have to start with you.

True Story:

My husband and I are in the middle of a very sticky and messy family situation. A situation occurred that led to a trickle effect of unnecessary chaos, severed relationships and broken hearts. In the midst of all of this ‘he said, she said’ and ‘pillow talk conversations’ no one is focusing on forgiveness and growth. Each person, including myself (it starts with you), is holding onto how they feel, how the situation challenged them or hurt them or affected them, and how their feelings should be acknowledged and validated. Now, to be transparent there are a LOT of people involved in the situation that shouldn’t have been involved to begin with. The situation got messy when nonparticipants to the original situation were added to the mix by false pretenses. But that is neither here nor there. The point is that what could’ve been a moment of togetherness is now division because people are so focused on holding onto their “truths” and not embracing growth and forgiveness.

In my very personal and tender example, forgiveness (and communication) is the huge factor in moving on. My husband and I initiated the action by apologizing for our wrongdoings and owning our slice of the pie. The other party involved partially owned up to somethings and the people that weren’t even involved can’t let go, won’t let go and refuse to grow, so our relationship has died. It’s unfortunate and extremely tough to swallow. My husband and I still have moments of rage and sadness about the events that transpired and the outcome of the situation but we continue to practice forgiveness and we continue to pray and ask God to heal their hearts and ours. Yes, we pray for the people that hurt us. Why? Because that is a form of forgiveness. Praying for others that have hurt you shows God that you are activating forgiveness. It shows God that you are ready to take a step on your healing journey. In our prayers, we don’t ask for a reunited relationship (at least I don’t) but we do ask that God speak to them and show them their ways, that God reveal truth to them in HIS way, that God doesn’t allow their hearts to be hardened so they don’t miss the blessings God has for them. Praying for others allows God to heal your heart.

It’s more painful to hold onto hurt than it is to pray for the person that hurt you. Let it go. Release it to God and allow Him to mend the brokenness.

I suffer with suppressing my feelings. I HATE hurting other people SO much so that I beat myself up about it and harbor those feelings for years. My husband has wiped my tears, talked me off the ledge, and calmed my anxiety attacks so many times. The fear of me offending someone starts with my relationship with my Dad. He and I have had an odd relationship over the course of my life (its better now) and as a child a lot of my social habits, fears and anxiety was birthed from that relationship. My Mom raised me as a single parent. I saw my Dad pretty regularly during the summers, holidays, etc. My Dad has this awful ego and pride thing that makes him feel like he has to sit on a pedestal and look down on others, even his kids. It’s his toxic trait and I know God is working on him and has been working on him. My Dad would frequently stop speaking to me as a child for months, sometimes years at a time. At a young age, I learned to say and do the right things so he wouldn't abandon me. No matter what i said or did, he still found something (typically a disagreement with my Mom) to stop speaking to me. I remember being 9 years old, new to Georgia in an apartment in Norcross and my Dad called me and told I wasn’t his daughter and he never wanted to speak to me again. I remember that vividly because I blamed myself for his hatred towards me, I blamed myself for his anger, I blamed myself for my good actions that he took wrong. It was at the moment that I was introduced to anxiety and second guessing my every move. I’m now 27 years old and I STILL overthink, second guess, retract, over apologize, and overanalyze every text I send, comment I make, action I do. The older I get the more I realize how toxic my environment was. And the older I get I realize that I have to forgive my family for not knowing any better.

I was raised to ‘honor my Mother and Father so my days could be long on the earth’ and although that is in the Bible, in my opinion, humans have taken it and twisted it to be toxic. No parent should verbally abuse, degrade, compare, or disrespect a child PERIOD! No child should have to be forced to ‘honor’ someone who isn’t producing life when they speak to them. My Mom drilled ‘honor your father’ in my head so much that it caused me to harbor bitterness towards him and towards her. I’m now sifting through the pieces of my life and realizing that my unforgiveness and bitterness started with FAMILY! And it is a daily struggle forgiving the things life is uncovering for me. I love my family and I always will but I am learning to forgive them without spitting off everything they did wrong.

Unforgiveness is toxicity that festers in your spirit and causes diseases, discontent, and dysfunction within yourself. It’s a constant war that takes God to fight for you.

I have a few friends that have confided in me about their family dysfunctions, hurts, traumas, and toxic environments. I am going to pass to you the same jewels I give to them in their time of needing guidance to forgive:

1. JOURNAL THE HURT(S)

   I know I know I say journal about everything but it helps! Something about seeing the words that you feel helps with healing. Putting something on “wax” (music reference) or on paper makes it real and allows you to experience the realness in a new way. Writing down what hurt you gets it out. If you don’t have an outlet, journaling helps.

2. PRAY FOR THEM

   Pray for the people that hurt you. Ask God to reveal the truth of their actions to them however He sees fit. I have learned that no matter how many times you communicate your feelings to people, some people just can’t understand or identify with your emotions. Stop trying to convince people that you’re hurting and ask God to heal the hurts. Ask God to show the offender how their actions are toxic.

3. FIND YOUR TRIBE

   Over the course of this year, I have met some AMAZING people on social media. I have three new friends that melt my heart. Their stories each touch me in a different way and they hold a piece of my heart that will never go away. They confide in me and I confide in them. It’s a healthy balance of wisdom and support. Make sure you find balance in your Tribe. Not having balance and always being the person that gets dumped on isn’t healthy or beneficial to your journey.

4. FORGIVE YOURSELF

   Even if you did nothing wrong, forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up for what you said, what you didn’t say, what you could’ve done differently, should’ve done differently or anything that puts you below the situation. Yes, we all play a part in the offensive behaviors of others in some way whether we initiated it, allowed it, or suppressed our intuition. Own it, release it and proceed in your healing journey.

5. TRUST THE PROCESS

   Forgiveness is a process remember. When you apply for a job, there is a process. When you want to have a baby, there is a process. When you want to lose weight, there is a process. Forgiveness is also a process. You have to know that you will be hurt, cry, get angry, want to confront the person, replay the situation, and those things are all NORMAL but you also have to release it. Write down the names of the people that hurt you then safely* set the paper on fire. Burn the memory of hurt. Allow yourself the freedom of releasing the person who hurt you.

6. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

   My husband and I have this thing that if we see something that we don’t like or agree with, we point, close our eyes, inhale and exhale and move on. When we find ourselves talking about it to one another we stop each other. Why? Talking about situations that you are trying to heal from is a breeding ground for the enemy. It gives life to the negative situation. Don’t give life to negativity. Let it die by not acknowledging it.

I get that forgiveness isn’t the easiest thing to do. I am currently still learning to forgive and I am also learning that it’s ok if the process takes a little longer than it should. I give God full control of this journey and I am allowing Him to show me my errors, my faults and how I can improve myself to not repeat the cycle of bitterness and offense. I haven’t read this book yet BUT from what I read regarding the book, it is super beneficial to any healing journey. Plus if ANYONE knows about forgiveness and the journey ahead it is THIS woman here (Google her story chile):

“DO YOURSELF A FAVOR… FORGIVE” BY JOYCE MEYERS

(click the image to purchase the book from Amazon)